Bonjour!

I really had no idea what else to put in that dag blasted title. I haven't heard anyone speak English for like the last four hours. My room mate and all his friends have been in my apartment talking with someone over the internet, all in Japanese. It's cool I guess. I am sort of used to not being able to understand people. I find it amusing really. The rest of the time I get to listen to my other room mate talking on the phone in Spanish. Sometimes I hear a sentence or two in English during the day, but not often.

So I went to work today because my boss told me I was covering a shift for one of the people on day crew who had to go help his fiance with their marriage. I really didn't want to go to work. I already worked eight hours today and another four would just be so long. I would be their right now actually, haha, but I'm not. So the reason: I get there and there is somebody else there and apparently my boss decided to give it to someone else, but neglected to tell me this. I'm not mad about the lost hours. It would be nice to have, but I don't really have the drive to work twelve hour days, especially when this particular shift is so mind numbingly boring. For serious, and Indian security guard has more to do than I do. At least they get a little cabin, haha. I am just mad that I hurried to get my laundry done and then took a crappy half hour nap so I wouldn't fall asleep during work and then walked all the way to work to find out that I wasn't working at all. Oh my goodness, the girl sitting next to me has the pinkest gmail thingy I have ever seen. And she is wearing a bright pink shirt. I think I would probably have to gouge my eyes out before I could ever even be friends with her. I mean she's cute and all, and really I don't have anything against pink, but she is like PINK.

When I was trying to write PINK I accidentally pressed control P and it made everything explode. It was kind of scary. It opened a new window to some random website and submitted this post, haha. So hopefully no one is on blogger right now. Although I haven't really told anyone I'm writing in here and I don't really want anyone to read it to begin with, so I am kind of glad.

I am tired of being bored. I need to find some new hobbies. And yes I will start hanging out with people next semester hopefully. I don't really know how that works, I've never really done it before. I don't want to bother people, but I suppose the way things are going will prevent me being a functional part of society, and being useless would be very depressing. So I will actually talk to people in like a month, but for now, no. Really I just started wrong. I made a mistake mistake freshman year reacting to my hope that college would be different than high school. Yeah, that was dumb. Then I made a different mistake in the MTC as a reaction to the mistake I made freshmen year, and then when I returned from my mission I made the same mistake from freshmen year trying to fix the mistake I made in the MTC, haha. Freshman year I just tried to be outgoing and I realized I wasn't. Granted I tried for like a week and then realized I hated it. I accidentally implied I wanted to date two girls, which was the furthest thing from my mind at the time, and well, that was awful. Although in my defense I put most of the blame on them. I was just trying to network, they were the ones who took everything out of context. So that was miserable and I just started avoid my freshman ward. The clincher was the first Sunday of winter semester freshman year when one of the most popular people in the ward sat down next to me and asked me if I was new. It was way awkward. And I made sure they felt it, haha. So in the MTC I just tried to be myself, nerdy and everything. That didn't really go over well. I think mostly I just creeped people out. Well, sucks to their ass-mar, haha. So then I got back from my mission and tired to be outgoing again but I realized I had nothing to support it with and that I didn't want to be outgoing and that I have no patience for the love games these stupid Provo people play. I mean really. It is impossible to have a decent conversation when guys go into show off mode and turn into complete belligerent idiots to show off their mojo and then all the girls are just waiting to turn everything into some sort of flirtation. And not because they are interested, but so they can be on guard to stop anything. I mean forgive me if I am incapable of determining if I want to date you after one family home evening. I wish it were easier to have girls who are friends. Not girlfriends. I don't understand how anyone makes friends here when the only way to do it seems to be through romantic over tones. Well frankly that is for the birds. So I just rejected all of it this semester. I am not going to play your game people. I have put together my own game plan. It may not work, I am woefully out of practice with working with people, but we shall see. I'm just going to be honest. No, I don't mean I'm just going to go around confessing feelings for everyone, I mean I am just not going to take any crap. I am going to do what I want to do, say what I want to say, and tell people what I think. I am going to make it very clear where I stand, I will not back down from awkward silences, nor will I find them awkward. So we shall see how it goes. I think tunnel singing is gay, I don't know why anyone thinks making movies/doing skits is a good idea, and I think facebook is the dumbest idea ever. It is pointless. It is for self obsessed show offs to advertise how amazing they are to everyone else. And if you don't want to post how often you take a crap and don't run around screaming with your shirt off at least twice a week, you will never make the cut. Well you know what, screw the social order. It seems the only thing that they have to hold over you is ostracism. This is where I think my plan will work. I chose ostracism. No, that's wrong. I ostracised the social order. How's for them apples, huh? The clique didn't find me lacking. I found the clique lacking. Too bad for all you show offs. I am not going to play the audience anymore. If you don't like it, if you can't take it, then leave. I don't need you.

So I am excited to see how it works out. I do want to be social, don't get me wrong. I do get lonely sometimes. But I am tired of playing by everyone elses rules, especially when I play with a handicap. Anyhow, I just love not caring what people think anymore. It is wonderful to not worry about what other people think about what I am wearing, about what I say or do. I'm doing it for me. I've never met another person worth doing something for. And it is liberating. I don't think I will ever go back to living any other way. And you know what, the funniest part is all the open minds can't take it, they can't accept it. I am through with the tyranny of the open mind.

And enough ranting, haha. But now I forgot what I was going to say. Life is wonderful. It is kind of sucky right now, but this is only a low point. Things will turn around. I can't want to get away from college. It is probably the biggest disappointment of my life. It isn't anything like what I thought it would be. It isn't what people and movies and songs said it would be. It is just high school on a larger scale. Still the same popularity contest. Still the same retarded people. I think the worst betrayal is the intellectuals. They prostitute their minds and their writing abilities and their good taste worse than the athletes show off their strength, mostly because it isn't as obvious as when the athletes do it. And I suppose I am a hypocrite. I always have been an iconoclast.